


let the silence guide me to you.

by junfhongs



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Hwang Minhyun-centric, M/M, Minimalism, Platonic Relationships, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 21:30:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14777583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junfhongs/pseuds/junfhongs
Summary: something has changed between them; something is not the same. nothing's wrong, nothing's broken, nothing's out of place, and yet Minhyun approaches Jonghyun with hesitation in each of his steps as he chooses to be with him, to be by his side, over and over again.





	let the silence guide me to you.

Jonghyun is staring at him, watching as Minhyun goes over Jonghyun's growing collection of knickknacks, separate from the old stuff that Minhyun knows well enough by now. It tells Minhyun a story that he only knows in pieces, in headlines that he's squinted at on his phone during his free time, in short texts or infrequent calls that they ought to have more often.

… not that they actually can. Hell, Minhyun being here to see things with his own eyes is a rarity on its own. Now he's at the foot of Jonghyun's bed, a question written in the way his back hunches and how his finger now traces the shape of the bedpost, giving him something else to look at other than the question in Jonghyun's arching brow.

Jonghyun knows why he's here, honestly. He should also know that he wasn't exactly Minhyun's first choice. Dongho's at the studio, as usual— and if Minhyun were to be honest, it still stings to not be part of the process this time, to be unable to make himself simply drop by to listen or suggest or create something amazing with him again. He misses the banter, the spark that makes it so easy to work with Dongho and the rest of the team, the freedom to let _himself_ shine in what they're showing to the world.

Aron's out with his friends— and if Minhyun were to be honest, he misses the old, old days, when they were roommates and Minhyun found a brother in Aron, when they could talk, and Aron would tease Minhyun about hitting on his sister sometime. It's not like they've drifted apart, no. It's just different. It's been different for a while now, and as much as Minhyun still trusts Aron with mostly everything, sometimes he finds it difficult to simply close that little gap between them. _Later,_ he tells himself. _Soon._

Minki's out, still filming something or whatever— and if Minhyun were to be honest again, he's still a little pissed that Minki's essentially declared that he's moved into Minhyun's _old_ room permanently. He's also pissed at himself for missing Minki so terribly, for missing all the laughter that Minki's given him, for sitting on his bed in the darkness sometimes, texting him until late, late at night just to feel a semblance of normality in their relationship.

So he's left with Jonghyun. He's not necessarily Minhyun's last choice; they're all on a relatively equal level of priority to Minhyun, of course. It's not because he has no compelling reason to hang out with Jonghyun. It's just that— if he were to be honest, it's not— he's—

Jonghyun scares him.

Not in a physical sense. Not in the way they've joked about before. Not because of anything Jonghyun's ever done or said.

It's everything he _doesn't_ do or say. It's in the looks he gives Minhyun sometimes, the way he tiptoes around him even when they're in the same damn room. It's not contempt or detest or exasperation or anything terrifying that's inherently negative.

It's worse than that. It's longing. It's regret. It's hesitation, much evident in everything they've left unsaid.

It's also evident in the way they are right now, not moving or cracking under the weight of the other's stare. Minhyun could simply ask, he knows. But how could he justify it? There's a whole dorm to stay in, a whole other bed on the other side of the room— though he's going to have to clear out the pile of clothes and fan gifts that Jonghyun's haphazardly collected over the past few months.

How could he explain to Jonghyun why he wants to lie down beside him and simply… be there? He doesn't need a talk, a heart-to-heart of any sort, or any interaction at all, really. He just needs to remind himself what it's like to have Jonghyun by his side; he needs Jonghyun to remember Minhyun, remember that he'll be back eventually and that there's something _normal_ to return to soon.

Things will return to a semblance of what they were before but _better._ It's what they've promised to each other, right? That things will be better from now on? And there'll be sacrifices and so many moments when they're going to want to quit, but that'll be worth it when they come back to each other, come back to themselves, and see that everything was worth the pain?

At least that's what Jonghyun told Minhyun before, alone in Minhyun's strangely empty room right before he left their apartment for the next year and a half. It's what he said late at night in the dorms where they filmed, whispered into Minhyun's ear as they sat in a blind spot of the cameras and hid their mics far away from them to give them a semblance of privacy. It's what he told all of them when they stammered and stumbled and held back their tears and their pride the very first time they faced that judgmental lens.

Minhyun's sure it's what Jonghyun's telling himself right now, constantly. He believes him; he's always believed in Jonghyun. That's not the problem. Why can't he just say it out loud, admit to himself why his knees are shaking as they dig into the mattress? He knows exactly why his movements are slow, not languid, as he drops his body to the space on the bed that Jonghyun gave him.

They're side-by-side now. Minhyun can feel the thick knit of Jonghyun's sweater through his hoodie, the imprint of it slowly boring into his arm. It's not a tight fit, but Minhyun can feel the effort that Jonghyun's putting into not sticking to him. It shouldn't sting, not when Minhyun's doing the same.

It still does. _Why?_

 

 

———

 

 

Minhyun wakes up on his side, eyes slowly adjusting to the sight of Jonghyun sleeping beside him. Minhyun turns back carefully, checks the time. _3:30._ Jonghyun's phone is on the bedside table. Minhyun briefly imagines Jonghyun leaning over Minhyun to place his phone there, imagines the sight of Jonghyun against the light coming in through the curtains, imagines Jonghyun possibly looking down at Minhyun, observing him as he slept.

Did he have second thoughts as he lied back down to sleep, or did he maybe attempt to touch Minhyun's face and move his hair out of his eyes? Did he gaze at Minhyun's sunken cheeks and worry a little bit, like an inkling of that concern he has to have as Minhyun's leader? As his co-member? His friend? His soon-to-be roommate after a few more months of this? Jonghyun fulfills all these roles in Minhyun's life; maybe he'll always be Minhyun's everything.

Jonghyun has his arms under his head, and it lifts his sweater just a bit, enough for a strip of skin revealing his narrow waist. Jonghyun's always looked delicate to Minhyun, not even after all his attempts at working out and building his body. When Minhyun looks at Jonghyun, he still sees that skinny boy that greeted him when he first arrived at the trainee dorms so many years ago. He still sees that gentle gaze, the wavy fringe covering his eye, the gorgeous smile that never fails to make it through Jonghyun's prickly exterior.

Jonghyun's head is resting a bit higher on the pillow, so Minhyun has to look up to gaze at that face he dreams of too often. He's always looking up at Jonghyun—not _physically,_ of course—but… Jonghyun will know what that means.

He should damn well know. Minhyun has no time to deal with Jonghyun's insecurity now, not when he can clearly see everything he's done for all of them, for _Minhyun_ specifically. It takes everything in Minhyun to not thank Jonghyun every step of the way, to call him every single time something good happens to him. It takes everything in Minhyun to not reach out for Jonghyun when he's looking for a comforting touch, no words, no banter. Just comfort in someone else being there.

Jonghyun's brows are furrowing in his sleep. Is his nap fitful because of the presence beside him? Or is this how Jonghyun usually sleeps now? All Minhyun can think of is sleeping in the dorms for Produce 101, his mind completely glossing over Daniel's snoring when all he could see was Jonghyun tossing and turning in his sleep or endlessly watching their practice recordings. Minhyun couldn't talk to him, couldn't disturb the others by talking to Jonghyun as he usually would if they were lumped in a hotel room for a schedule that they didn't want to take anymore. They couldn't just go back to how things were, how they wanted it to be.

So Minhyun had to pull Jonghyun out his comfort zone, out of their group's room into somewhere quiet and isolated enough for the two of them to talk. And they did. They talked, and Jonghyun cried and he cursed at himself for being so weak and looking the part and bringing Minhyun down with him.

And Minhyun, the idiot that he was, thought all he could do was hold Jonghyun close and let the familiarity of their touch be the anchor that keeps Jonghyun from breaking just yet. Now that he's looking back at it, he could have said something. He could have told Jonghyun how important it was for Minhyun to have him here. He could have told Jonghyun about Hyunbin's tears against the sleeve of Minhyun's sweater as he finally managed to keep up with the rest of the team and how grateful he was that they didn't just let him rot.

He could have told Jonghyun everything, but he acted like things could be resolved by dealing with them like they normally would instead of dealing with the fact that things were _different_ now and they would continue to change. Minhyun didn't think— well, now he knew. Now he's lived with those changes every day of his life for the past year and more, but he can't stop himself from falling back into old patterns.

His hand reaches out and rests on Jonghyun's hip, thumb lightly tracing the line where his skin met the waistband of his pants. Then he slides his hand up and rests his beating pulse on Jonghyun's skin, sighing as Jonghyun sighs in his sleep. _Stop this. What are you doing? What the hell is this?_

The answer is that it's nothing. It's Minhyun craving for a little touch, a physical bridge between the two. There are things left unsaid, _too many,_ but Minhyun doesn't want to deal with that yet. He can't, not without Jonghyun like this, distant and asleep.

So maybe he's hoping that Jonghyun can feel his warmth through the haze of his fitful dreams. And maybe he'll realize that Minhyun is here and Minhyun is real and he's _trying_. Maybe Jonghyun will want to reach out too.

 

 

———

 

 

Minhyun's fingers twitch as he slowly wakes up again; he's surprised to feel more skin beneath his fingertips, and he traces the dip of someone's spine until he remembers where he is, who he's with.

Jonghyun's eye to eye with him now, the familiar soft gaze soothing the panic in Minhyun's bleary eyes. He's not surprised, not revolted. He takes in inch by inch of Minhyun's presence beside him, around him, and Minhyun does the same. They blink and breathe, pressurizing themselves until they're on the same level, until they've prepared themselves and are comfortable enough to meet each other's eyes and start what they've needed to do all this time.

_Talk._ "Why are you here, Minhyun?"

It's not accusatory. It's not meant to shut him out. It's not about visiting their dorms when he could have rested where he's staying or gone anywhere else.  It's not about lying here on Jonghyun's bed, his hand still under Jonghyun's sweater, his face mere inches from Jonghyun's.

It's about the decision he made to be here, to do this. It's about choosing Jonghyun when he could have chosen anywhere else to be and anyone else to be with, but he's here. So why?

_Reply._ "I don't know."

It's not like Minhyun to be this indirect. It's not like him to allow a sense of insecurity to creep into his thoughts as Jonghyun responds to his non-answer with silence. It's not like him to be unable to brush this off, to make this easy for them. Why isn't it easy anymore?

Is it because they're different now? Is it because this room didn't just change with the lost roommate and the added clutter? Is it because the soul that rests within these walls isn't exactly the same person Minhyun had to step away from all these months ago? Did Jonghyun change more than he expected, more than the sudden openness to new people and surprising variety show capabilities?

Or is it Minhyun who's changed? Has everything gotten into his head now, changing him into the person whose role he has to fill in his other group? Is Jonghyun's obvious discomfort with Minhyun due to the fact that he's the same but Minhyun's the one who's too difficult to be with now? Minhyun doesn't know how to approach things, how to meet Jonghyun halfway when he doesn't even know if they're on the same damn playing field.

"Why did you choose me?" Jonghyun says softly, and Minhyun can't answer when he doesn't understand. Jonghyun averts his eyes; that's how he usually acts when he's afraid of what he's about to say. "The show. The first mission." Minhyun's eyes widen. "Why me? Why not Dongho or Minki? What's the truth behind the bullshit reason?"

Jonghyun tries to lighten the mood by talking as casually as he can, but he can't detract from the suddenness of the question. It truly catches Minhyun off guard, leaving him stunned and silent as he continues to drum his fingers against Jonghyun's skin. This time, he's breaking habit by breaking eye contact with Jonghyun, avoiding the way his gentle gaze turns into curiosity and prying. Minhyun can't keep looking into Jonghyun's eyes when he knows that he's afraid of what he's about to say.

_Just say it._ "I don't know."

It's painfully honest. There's nothing that compelled him to choose Jonghyun over his other group members, if he had to choose among them. That was evident when they asked him why Jonghyun was in his team and he couldn't come up with anything better than the most pathetic excuse out there. Now that it's been over a year and the question's coming from Jonghyun himself… Minhyun still can't find a way to word it. _Why Jonghyun?_

Somehow, Minhyun feels like this is a bigger question, something deeper than that specific incident. Why did he choose Jonghyun to be the person who stood by him that very first time they truly faced the audience that stared at them with cold eyes? Why did he want to be by Jonghyun's side the entire time they faced that scrutiny, knowing that Jonghyun would shield him from the front while Minhyun would always have his back? Why was he so happy to have been with Jonghyun for that other mission, to celebrate their very first chart success together—even if it's not with their actual group and their actual song—to smile at Jonghyun and hold his hand in silence?

_Silence._ It seems like that's all they can share with each other right now, not when their thoughts are so tightly locked up.

… Maybe Minhyun already knows his answer. Not to Jonghyun's current question, but to the one that asked him why he was _here,_ with Jonghyun now.

He'd be nowhere without Jonghyun. He wouldn't have achieved or have been part of anything he's proud of if he didn't choose Jonghyun that very first time, if he didn't stay by his side and support him from wherever they stood, if he didn't have Jonghyun's hand to hold or shoulder to laugh on. He doesn't know how to tell Jonghyun how grateful he is without Jonghyun simply dismissing him out of embarrassment or downplaying himself. Jonghyun doesn't need to do that, not when Minhyun's crumbling at the thought of never being able to express that to him.

So he settles for what he knows, for what he can try to communicate. Let it be silence, support, _comfort;_ let it be Minhyun's side pressed against Jonghyun's, his hand resting on Jonghyun's back, his breath fanning over Jonghyun's face. Old habits are hard to break, but this is a routine that Minhyun just wants to have again. He wants things to be normal, to have something easy and comfortable to return to when he comes back to Jonghyun's side.

_Honesty._ "I don't know how to act around you anymore, Minhyun," says Jonghyun, and it's the way his eyes meet Minhyun's while his throat bobs up and down that tells Minhyun… this isn't easy for Jonghyun, but he has to say it. "I just feel like— like I _owe you_. Like everything that I am, everything I've achieved ever since we started that damn show together— it's because of that one choice you made." Jonghyun pauses. " _Me_. You chose me, and everything's changed since then. And I'm thankful. To you, mostly." He sighs. "I don't know what to do with that."

It almost makes Minhyun laugh, but that would ruin the mood completely. All he can do is bite back a smile and stroke Jonghyun's skin softly, pulling him closer by the hips. Closer and closer, as they should be. Jonghyun's eyes soften as Minhyun stops avoiding him; maybe Minhyun won't be able to speak his mind the way Jonghyun has, but Jonghyun should know by now.

Minhyun's proud of Jonghyun. He's proud of how he's changed, how he's grown. Minhyun may not be here to see every moment, every beat that changes him and his life, but he will be. _Soon._

And Jonghyun's wrong. Not everything has changed. Maybe everything around them, the situation they're in, the people they know and the opportunities they're being given— yeah, it all still seems like a dream sometimes. And sure, they may change and grow and develop new skills and adapt to new people, but who they are deep within—the shy boy from Gangwon-do who welcomed the lanky kid who just arrived, and everything that they've kept since then—that won't change.

What certainly hasn't changed is the way they communicate, the way they feel for each other's moods with subtle gazes and subtle touches. Minhyun's hand on Jonghyun's skin and the way Jonghyun curves into his loose hold— that's nothing different from the bone-crushing hugs they've shared before, from the way Minhyun cradled his head as Jonghyun attempted to give him comfort that fated night, from the arm that Minhyun slung over his shoulder to have Jonghyun by his side one last time.

It's touch that guides them back to each other and silence that tells them they're with each other— they're home.

 

 

———

 

 

Minhyun doesn't realize that he's asleep until he wakes up again; this time, Jonghyun's sitting up with his phone in his hand while the other— the other's holding Minhyun's, tucked into the loose sleeve of Jonghyun's sweater. Jonghyun notices that Minhyun's awake again, and he smiles, meeting Minhyun's eyes confidently.

The air's clearer now. Not much has actually been said, but it's enough. It's not a start, per se; it's a revival. It's like starting something up again with fear, then realizing that dust and cobwebs can't break anything when it's all fine. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's changed.

Minhyun can't see it, but he feels how Jonghyun traces the shape of his nails, laces their fingers together, and squeezes Minhyun's hand. Minhyun squeezes back.

**Author's Note:**

> this is like……… the most boring fic i've ever written but it's also the most poetic and the first time i'm trying something like this???? tried to go for super minimal dialogue and looots of introspection; hopefully it's ok hahaha and i hope y'all got what i was trying to go for ;;;;; 
> 
> this kind of started as a soft cuddly songfic for The Neighbourhood - Sweater Weather (title is adapted from that), but bc of cey making a super emo playlist for me, it spiraled into my personal headcanon for 2hyun ,,,,,, [here's an emo playlist with everyone's suggestions for my supposed songfic lmao](https://open.spotify.com/user/pfrancineee/playlist/7GHq625uyMKg7TprJjwbsY?si=1DmkogrLSl2J_ntm1sCFQg)
> 
> yes the start of the summary was adapted from the lyrics of defying gravity ,,, 
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!


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